Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sometimes life gets hard and messy and just not fun. Sometimes there's cancer when she's too young and it shouldn't be happening but it is. Sometimes family doesn't understand that your heart is literally not in the same city, state, or even country as your house and they get mad. Sometimes boys break hearts, and sometimes girls break hearts. Sometimes friends call and tell you a secret that no one else can know and the promise that nothing has changed is made. Sometimes friends just need you there. Sometimes you don't know what to do, and you cry with them, for them, and then you sit in shared silence. The silence that says, "I love you, and I'm here in the mess because that's all I know how to do right now, and I have no words to try to fix anything." So you sit and wait, because you don't know what else to do.
That's the silence I've been in for the last few months.
In that silence though, sometimes there's healing. Sometimes there's answers. Love is there always, though.
That's the silence I've been in for the last few months.
In that silence though, sometimes there's healing. Sometimes there's answers. Love is there always, though.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I have one of the sweetest girls in the world as one of my best friends. We went to the mall yesterday and just window shopped. We ended up getting matching American flag socks, and she helped me pick out some hairbands at Forever 21. I made her try one about 20 different hats, and she giggled when I tried them on as well. We talked about her boyfriends- she has TWO- and I asked her for her wisdom because I have none. We talked about friends and family and cute boys we had seen. We took pictures, and then we went to dinner at some restaurant. On the way home, we had quite a dance party with some Taylor Swift and One Direction (whatever they're younger than me and have good music). It was seriously so much fun.
This beautiful girl, however, wasn't supposed to be alive. Her doctors said she would live until maybe two, but lucky for me and everyone she's ever encountered, that certainly is not the case. She's such a blessing, and she's one of my best friends.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Mission trips are a funny thing. The amount of packing, meetings to go over crafts, and email reminders are unparalleled. It's a phenomenon that any kid who spends time in youth group goes through. We go, we serve, we come back, convinced that we're going to be missionaries for the rest of our lives. But then school starts, and "the rest of our lives" seems a little overwhelming. So we go through life until the next mission trip. It's a vicious cycle.
In all honesty, I have fallen victim to this cycle. I have planned fifty different ways of being a missionary overseas, each more exciting than the last. I went to Nicaragua in 2010 and India in 2011. While I was in India, I was miserable. There was no air conditioning during the day, nonstop humidity and/or rain, smells that can most politely be described as awful, and people literally everywhere. I don't know if you know this, but Calcutta has a population well over 15 million people. We were not handing out tracts or evangelizing or preaching from the mountaintops to have all 15 million of those people become Christians. Part of my trip was spent in Mother Teresa's House for the Destitute, what can best be described as a nursing home for the homeless. It was not my cup of tea, or chai, so to speak. I don't like old people because they usually have that sad, abandoned puppy dog look. The first day there, I cried because the women there were so broken, and it was too much, God, I thought. But of course, God took what was too much for me and showed me in rubbing in lotion, feeding women, changing women's clothes, walking them to their bed, bathroom, wherever, that He would be my strength. That there was beauty in these women, long overlooked, and that it needed to be recognized. That in such agony, there could still be laughter and love and joy and friendship. I learned that toothless kisses on the cheek are some of the best kisses ever. I learned that covering a woman's knees, even in a house of all women, can earn respect really fast. I learned that sometimes, a manicure or pedicure can change a woman's outlook entirely. I learned that even the grumpy, scary old woman who yelled at me every day in Hindi would give me a hug and kiss goodbye, brush my hair away from my face, and wipe away my tears. Most importantly, I learned that being a servant isn't limited to India, Nicaragua, or wherever your mission trip is. I knew that, but I didn't know how to serve wholeheartedly until being in India. It's easy to see need where there's a lot of it and there are easy ways to meet it. Unfortunately, we can't spend our entire lives based on the week or two of mission tripping (am I allowed to call it that?). Serving doesn't have to end there, though. Becoming a servant is a free souvenir we get to take home with us. But back in a comfortable, suburban neighborhood in Texas, what does being a servant even mean?
In all honesty, I have fallen victim to this cycle. I have planned fifty different ways of being a missionary overseas, each more exciting than the last. I went to Nicaragua in 2010 and India in 2011. While I was in India, I was miserable. There was no air conditioning during the day, nonstop humidity and/or rain, smells that can most politely be described as awful, and people literally everywhere. I don't know if you know this, but Calcutta has a population well over 15 million people. We were not handing out tracts or evangelizing or preaching from the mountaintops to have all 15 million of those people become Christians. Part of my trip was spent in Mother Teresa's House for the Destitute, what can best be described as a nursing home for the homeless. It was not my cup of tea, or chai, so to speak. I don't like old people because they usually have that sad, abandoned puppy dog look. The first day there, I cried because the women there were so broken, and it was too much, God, I thought. But of course, God took what was too much for me and showed me in rubbing in lotion, feeding women, changing women's clothes, walking them to their bed, bathroom, wherever, that He would be my strength. That there was beauty in these women, long overlooked, and that it needed to be recognized. That in such agony, there could still be laughter and love and joy and friendship. I learned that toothless kisses on the cheek are some of the best kisses ever. I learned that covering a woman's knees, even in a house of all women, can earn respect really fast. I learned that sometimes, a manicure or pedicure can change a woman's outlook entirely. I learned that even the grumpy, scary old woman who yelled at me every day in Hindi would give me a hug and kiss goodbye, brush my hair away from my face, and wipe away my tears. Most importantly, I learned that being a servant isn't limited to India, Nicaragua, or wherever your mission trip is. I knew that, but I didn't know how to serve wholeheartedly until being in India. It's easy to see need where there's a lot of it and there are easy ways to meet it. Unfortunately, we can't spend our entire lives based on the week or two of mission tripping (am I allowed to call it that?). Serving doesn't have to end there, though. Becoming a servant is a free souvenir we get to take home with us. But back in a comfortable, suburban neighborhood in Texas, what does being a servant even mean?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Reasons to continue with school:
Seeing faces light up when I joke with those nuggets
Getting at least five hugs within the first five minutes of
being in the classroom
Being told that I’m like a “baby sister” to the older guys
in the class
The pictures I’m given
The jokes made at my expense
The constant basketball chatter
Seeing guys try to be sneaky and sign about the other
teachers
Slowly becoming friends with the girl with autism who didn’t
talk to me for two weeks
The happiness those kiddos have
Their love for each other
The constant building of my ego (“But Miss Alex, you’re so
pretty!”)
Singing
Laughter
Acceptance
COLORING (this one is my favorite)
I've been so swamped with summer school and work and sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I'm double majoring. It's so I can hang out with these kiddos and get to share their joy and happiness. It makes the future a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Happy finals week!
Like almost everyone else I know, I'm been buried in notes and books and various food items that I've consumed in my studying. I have one final tonight (seriously though, why Saturday from 7-10 at night?) and two on Tuesday. I have lost any regard for what's socially acceptable, which seems to be what those also on campus have done as well. I have had my hair up with glasses and Nike shorts on all week.
My roommate moved out this afternoon. We went and got dinner together last night, and on the way, we saw my favorite homeless man on Guad. He's a big sweetheart and has been through a lot. He lost his daughter when she was only four. As we talked to him last night, he gave me the best compliment that I could ever think of. He told me that he had been wondering what his daughter would have looked like when she was in college, and that he would often look at the girls walking by and wonder if she would look/be like them. Then he said that he hoped that she would have looked like me. And that she would be like me. I literally almost cried.
I realize that I can't save everyone and that I can't love everyone how they deserve to be loved, but things like that make me want to try even harder.
Like almost everyone else I know, I'm been buried in notes and books and various food items that I've consumed in my studying. I have one final tonight (seriously though, why Saturday from 7-10 at night?) and two on Tuesday. I have lost any regard for what's socially acceptable, which seems to be what those also on campus have done as well. I have had my hair up with glasses and Nike shorts on all week.
My roommate moved out this afternoon. We went and got dinner together last night, and on the way, we saw my favorite homeless man on Guad. He's a big sweetheart and has been through a lot. He lost his daughter when she was only four. As we talked to him last night, he gave me the best compliment that I could ever think of. He told me that he had been wondering what his daughter would have looked like when she was in college, and that he would often look at the girls walking by and wonder if she would look/be like them. Then he said that he hoped that she would have looked like me. And that she would be like me. I literally almost cried.
I realize that I can't save everyone and that I can't love everyone how they deserve to be loved, but things like that make me want to try even harder.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Freshman year is winding down (or up, if you want to consider the four finals I'll be taking in the next two weeks). I cannot believe I've been so blessed to get to be at the best university ever with the best people ever. I've learned so much, even if I wasn't particularly interested in learning it.
Some of the most important lessons I've learned this year are that trust is to be earned, forgiveness is hard, and that letting go is the best thing in the world. I'm a very compassionate person, and I love getting to know people and getting to love them. It's easy to open up and want people to know and love me. I've learned that not everyone needs to know all my absolutely wonderful traits (like my mad baking abilities) and my not so pretty ones (I snore). People are most likely not going to be that vulnerable with me. If they are, they'll either not remember it in the morning (what's up, Beach Reach?) or be ashamed that they let down their guard to someone. Once you've made yourself vulnerable, it's easy for people to hurt you, intentionally or not. So I've learned to guard my heart, but I haven't quite mastered how to forgive. It's easy for me to hold grudges, which is something God has been working on me in. But it's also very easy for me to remember the hurt and find reasons not to forgive that particular person. I've learned to forgive those who I don't have to see ever, but those I see daily/weekly/however often is still hard. The hurt is still too fresh, the cut was too deep, it's festered too long. This isn't limited to friendships or relationships or even people I know. I know that I'm supposed to love the men who kidnap and sell my girls, but I only see the hurt that they've caused. I know that God can do it, and that He knows infinitely more about them- good and bad- than I do and still loves them. I dwell on what I see though, and I get mad that they've hurt those I love so much in that manner. And I know that Christ's wounds were too fresh, too deep, and too much to let Him still live. My wrongs did that to Him, and He loves me regardless. That's not my attitude towards others. It should be, but it's not. If I let hurt and bitterness stay in my life too long, it will also be too much to let me continue to live. Luckily for me, Christ is constantly taking my pain and redeeming me and bringing me back to life. Which brings me to my last lesson. When I do let go of the pain, there is such freedom, joy, peace. Nothing in this world can compare to it or take it away from me. God is such a boss.
Things to remember for these next few weeks:
God's grace
Showing God' grace
Everything regarding math, linguistics, play in childhood development, and elementary physics
Packing
Studying
Praying for all friends who are going on cool mission trips
Studying
Taking care of Fred (my new fish)
Studying
Happy finals, y'all!
Some of the most important lessons I've learned this year are that trust is to be earned, forgiveness is hard, and that letting go is the best thing in the world. I'm a very compassionate person, and I love getting to know people and getting to love them. It's easy to open up and want people to know and love me. I've learned that not everyone needs to know all my absolutely wonderful traits (like my mad baking abilities) and my not so pretty ones (I snore). People are most likely not going to be that vulnerable with me. If they are, they'll either not remember it in the morning (what's up, Beach Reach?) or be ashamed that they let down their guard to someone. Once you've made yourself vulnerable, it's easy for people to hurt you, intentionally or not. So I've learned to guard my heart, but I haven't quite mastered how to forgive. It's easy for me to hold grudges, which is something God has been working on me in. But it's also very easy for me to remember the hurt and find reasons not to forgive that particular person. I've learned to forgive those who I don't have to see ever, but those I see daily/weekly/however often is still hard. The hurt is still too fresh, the cut was too deep, it's festered too long. This isn't limited to friendships or relationships or even people I know. I know that I'm supposed to love the men who kidnap and sell my girls, but I only see the hurt that they've caused. I know that God can do it, and that He knows infinitely more about them- good and bad- than I do and still loves them. I dwell on what I see though, and I get mad that they've hurt those I love so much in that manner. And I know that Christ's wounds were too fresh, too deep, and too much to let Him still live. My wrongs did that to Him, and He loves me regardless. That's not my attitude towards others. It should be, but it's not. If I let hurt and bitterness stay in my life too long, it will also be too much to let me continue to live. Luckily for me, Christ is constantly taking my pain and redeeming me and bringing me back to life. Which brings me to my last lesson. When I do let go of the pain, there is such freedom, joy, peace. Nothing in this world can compare to it or take it away from me. God is such a boss.
Things to remember for these next few weeks:
God's grace
Showing God' grace
Everything regarding math, linguistics, play in childhood development, and elementary physics
Packing
Studying
Praying for all friends who are going on cool mission trips
Studying
Taking care of Fred (my new fish)
Studying
Happy finals, y'all!
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