"I in love with you.  No cry.  Think of me and smile."  These were my final instructions as I left one of my favorite places on earth.

Over the summer, I worked in a safe house for girls rescued from forced sex slavery in India.  It was one of the best and worst experiences of my life- in every sense of both words.  I had never been pushed physically as far as I was for those two weeks.  Emotionally, I was pushed even farther.  I had just gotten out of a bad break up, was anxious about college, and had little faith that I could be loved.  I spent two weeks loving these girls.  I loved them with my entire heart, even though it was shattered.  The more I loved them, the more God healed my heart.  It wasn't an easy process, but being made whole never is.  The pain that my girls went through broke my heart for new, harder reasons.  The pain wasn't a selfish one.  It was a knowing, compassionate, empathetic one.

These girls, who were once prostitutes, were broken in every way.  They were found, rescued, and restored.  My girls, who were treated as dirt, were made beautiful and clean again.  My heart, unfaithful to the God I cling to, was shattered.  I was found, rescued, and restored.  I was cleaned and made beautiful.  Most importantly, I was assured that even in my darkest hour, I have Someone who will always love me beyond measure.  Even when someone makes me feel unlovable.  Even when I mess up.  Even when I have no reason to be loved.

I always will remember that I'm loved, not to cry, to think of my dear ones, and smile.  Be filled with peace and joy that does not come from people's abilities, but from my Savior's.

मैं आप के लिए वफादार हो और आप मेरा, और आप अंत में मुझे यहोवा के रूप में पता चल जाएगा.
होशे 2:20

 

I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the LORD.
Hosea 2:20

Valentine's Day has come and gone.  I hung out with my good friends from the BSM, and we went to see The Vow, which was really good.  I think that had more to do with Channing Tatum than the actual movie, though.  We went out to eat afterwards.  It was a really fun time, and it was a great way not to focus on being single on a day dedicated to relationships.

This past weekend, I worked a DNow weekend for a youth group here in Austin- Cedar Park, actually.  I helped lead a group of ninth grade girls, and I was reminded of how grateful I am that I got out of high school in one (mostly) piece.  The girls were so beautiful and sweet.  We had a great time joking around and throwing water balloons and pouring water on boys.  They were all so unique but so special and wonderful.  It breaks my heart to think that many of them felt too overwhelmed to seek out time with their Creator.  But then it hit me- I do that all the time.  There is nothing more God wants than for me to stop running around like a chicken with my head chopped off and just rest.  I will never have peace or rest outside of Him, but I fill my life with clutter and then complain about how hard everything is.  I know God must be shaking His head at me, like a dad to his three-year-old.  Every time I think I have everything figured out, God reminds me of how little control I have.  It's not something I need to worry about, though.  God is almighty and sovereign, so I just have to trust in Him and follow His will.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.- Matthew 11:28-30

As someone who was very enthusiastic upon graduating high school and entering college, I have to say that it's been great being back in my house with my parents.  I'm a major daddy's girl, so getting to be with my dad makes me a very happy person.  We goof around and tease each other and I know that if I were to need anything ever, I can go to my daddy.  He'll give me advice that I may (but probably won't) take.  He listens to me rant and comes running at the utterance of the word "bug".  He takes me out to eat, to movies, and to ice cream when I ask.  For the first eighteen or nineteen years of my life, we would spend massive amounts of time together, getting comments about how much we look alike (if only I had a mustache...).  Even though he gives me a hard time when he tries to wake me up or get me to clean or take up my shoes, I know he will always love me and that I can always trust him.

I know that this is the easiest comparison ever, but it's still crazy to me to think that God wants to have that type of relationship with me.  He wants the easiness and closeness that comes having spent nineteen plus years with each other.  If that's such an easy concept with my dad, who's human, why do I have such a hard time accepting that from my heavenly Daddy, who is perfect?  He created the universe and everything in it, and He still chooses to care about me.  He's the one I should be running to, but I spend the vast majority of my time running from Him.  His patience with me constantly blows my mind.

"Oh, that we might know the LORD!  Let us press on to know Him.  He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn, or the coming of rains in the early spring." Hosea 6:3

Since I have recently fallen in love with writing in a journal, I'm starting a not so private blog.

 I'm planning on going on Beach Reach with the Longhorn Baptist Student Ministry.  This involves going to South Padre Island, making pancakes, cleaning up beaches, sharing Jesus, and loving people.  I'm not an eloquent person.  I love Jesus with my whole heart (well, I'm working on it), but He did not give me the ability to describe half of what He's done for me adequately, but I'm going to practice on you.  In all honesty, I suck.  I'm selfish, fickle, a liar, a cheater, hateful, spoiled, judgmental, and so dumb.  The only cool thing I have going for me is that I do have a Savior who loves me despite of my egocentric ways.  He constantly seeks my attention, even when I have no interest.  He sings truth over me, loves me regardless of my infidelity, shows me grace when I refuse to care for others.

My Savior died so I could live, and I repeatedly run away from His love and grace.  It scares me that He wants to get that close, and it scares me that the lies I've believed for so long could actually be just that- lies.  But at the end of each day, He breaks through my defenses.  He gathers me, brokenhearted and tired, and loves me.  That's why I have to love others.  Not because I want to or am even able to, but because the love I've been shown isn't meant to be kept to myself.

"So now, come back to your God.  Act with love and justice, and always depend on Him." Hosea 12:6