Back in the day, I knew that I wanted to do with my life.  I thought I would become a special education teacher.  And then I went to Nicaragua and fell in love with the sweet girls at Casa Esperanza.  I figured that I could take time off after college and work there, and then I could work in a special needs school there.  I applied to colleges and did the whole senior year thing.  I spent the vast majority of the year in the Life Skills class.  Before I left for college, I went to India and worked with girls in another safehouse.  I realized that somehow God would mesh my two passions.  I came to college, did Best Buddies, and was congratulated for knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

With all that being said, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  I've given up parts of my life to the Lord.  First it was worth and pride, then boys, then friendships.  Now He's asking for school and future.  I've prayed and prayed, and then I decided to pray some more.  I'm going to try and double major in special ed (I have a lot of it done, and I just love love love those kiddos) and international relations (hello, left field).  I don't know how that's going to work out or anything, but this is me giving up what I think I should do, and doing what I think God's telling me.

"But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken."  Psalm 33:11

Well, I've successfully survived two papers, and I just have two tests to finish out the week.  What does that mean?  #BR2012 STORY TIME!

On Tuesday afternoon, my friend and I were heading back to the hotel from the beach.  We had a long night ahead of us, so we were going to shower and sleep and then get caffeine.  But God had other plans.  There was a very large, drunk guy in the path to the hotels.  Matt and I looked at each other and went and asked how we could help.  Matt carried the guy (who was literally twice his size) to the hotel, while I talked with his girlfriend.  They were in the middle of breaking up, and my heart immediately broke for her.  She was so upset by his drinking and other things that I wanted to cry for her.  I realize that's not saying much, since I'm a sympathy cryer, but it was still really bad.  When we got to the hotel, the key to their room would not work.  Matt took charge and went to the front desk to get it fixed.  I took the girl to the bathroom to wash her face.  I ended up just standing there, hugging her as she sobbed.  I had gone through a really bad break-up this past summer, so I knew her pain.  God gave me verses to speak truth and to encourage her.  She is so sweet and has such a beautiful heart and spirit.  If the only reason I went through the break-up was to be able to connect with her, it was worth it.  Her parents ended up flying her back home.  She later told me that I probably saved her life, and I told her it wasn't me who did it.  God was the mastermind behind it.

I was also taught that being prideful isn't good, that I do have to depend on people sometimes.  This was especially apparent outside of the clubs and at sketchy gas stations.  I needed a guy there to stand up and to demand respect for me.  I'm not exactly the most intimidating person in size.  I needed prayer and emotional support, whether it be from my prayer sponsors, roommates, team, or other friends on the trip.  It didn't make me weak.  Being vulnerable didn't mean that I was insufficient.  It means that I'm human, and it means that I do, in fact, need a perfect Savior.  I can't do perfect by myself.

God also put us in certain areas with us having no idea why.  I felt like I shouldn't leave the beach, and then I saw a girl having a seizure and had to call 911.  We were supposed to pick someone up.  They were a no show, so we gave someone else a ride, and Matt had a super spiritual conversation with him.  We ran into people we knew.  I was asked out on multiple dates by complete strangers (flirting for Jesus, anyone?).  We yelled out of windows to give people rides, only to face a language barrier.  God used every little thing that happened to glorify Himself.  He used us to bring seven(!) people to know Him personally.  He's so cool- but really.  He balls so hard (am I allowed to even say that?).

So now that you know what God did, you should also know that I have an awesome Toms tanline, learned some fantastic Christian pick up lines, gained more courage, and was unsuccessfully taught how to jerk.  But hey, learning how to dance can lead to some great conversations.

"To the weak, I will become weak, so I might when the weak.  I will become all things to all people, so by all means, I might win some."  1 Corinthians 9:22

So I survived Beach Reach 2012!  Holla.  Shoo.  Hash tag hash tag hash tag.  It was absolutely fantastic to see God moving in so many people's lives, Beach Reachers and spring breakers alike.  Last night alone, over thirty people came to Christ.  There was so much encouragement, love, and boldness going on, it was cray.  I had an absolutely wonderful team to work with on the Meth Van.  They are all such amazing people, and I grew soooo close to them.  Our van ride back was filled with affirmations and encouragement.  I'm so blessed to have these people as friends.

I wish I could write down every way I saw God move, except I got no sleep and am slightly delirious right now.  I also have two papers and two tests this week.  Shoo.  I'll write more about it later, I guess, but for now, pray for rest and time management.

I survived this week, and now I'm officially done with class and am getting ready to leave for spring break!  I'm so so soooo excited.  It's a little sad- this is the first time I'm not going to be in North Carolina for spring break since probably middle school.  I miss the beach, the mountains, the air, the BBQ...  I've been listening to Carolina on My Mind and Wagon Wheel (it talks about North Carolina- I promise!) nonstop.  But I knew that I was supposed to go on Beach Reach.  Even though it's not really a sacrifice, God would rather me go somewhere new for His glory rather than go to a place where I would be so comfortable.  That's something I've been struggling with.  As a Christian, I'm not called to a life of comfort.  I'm called to a life of trusting God and being blessed by it.

Please pray:
Safe travels for the group
I have an open heart to love and open ears to listen
Patience and rest!
I have a spirit of boldness
I don't interfere with what God's saying
Jesus shines in me
Ultimately that God will be glorified in everything

I'll let you know how everything goes!

Sooo being up at 2:30 is super fun, especially when you're studying for a child psych test.  Especially after finding out you won't, sadly, get the dream job you've wanted since, oh, you know, forever.  OK, forever is a little exaggeration, but since at least fourth grade, which really seems like forever to me. Yesterday (Monday) was not a particularly great day, and neither was today.  I had a migraine, was stressed out, and was disappointed.  I couldn't make it to my eight o'clock class because I literally felt like my brain was going to explode.  I wasn't at peace, and I was grumpy with everyone who said that God had something better planned.  Sometimes that helps people, but I'm not one of them nor was it a helpful time to hear it.  I looked at pictures from my past mission trips and looked into other ones that are not at all realistic for me.  I have become so apathetic towards school and just about everything.  All I've really wanted to do is sit in my room, by myself, and eat ice cream and possibly cry because nothing is going the way I planned.  Instead I have:
a test tomorrow
tabling for Best Buddies (it'll be really fun though)
a test Thursday
a meeting Thursday night
BEACH REACH Friday through Friday (I'm super excited about this one!)
a paper due the next Monday
a paper due Thursday
two tests Friday

Lucky for me, my God isn't a god that is there during good days and disappears on the bad ones.  No, my God is the God of both good and bad days.  He uses my bad days to teach me to trust Him.  I already have seen so many other opportunities I have to serve Him this summer in ways that I wouldn't have imagined otherwise.  Even in rejection, He's growing my heart and drawing me closer to Him.  He wants me to have peace and be healthy.  One of my new friends (holla fo' community!) assured me today that God is fine with us needing to take breaks from everything.  Jesus went and prayed by Himself a lot.  It's fine for us to step back from our busy schedules and do the same.  He wasn't even happy all the time.  The book of John talks about Jesus crying, which I do, a lot.  It's alright to be human.  I'm so relieved that I'm not expected to be perfect all the time because only God can do that.  And since He's the perfect one, I need to accept His schedule of my life, without rushing or whining.

"You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in you book.  Every moment was laid out before a day had passed."  Psalm 139:16

"In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."  Jeremiah 29:12-13

So I'm going to South Padre.  In less than a week.  I find out about Student Life tomorrow (ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!).  I also have two tests this week.  And after spring break.  And two papers that need to be written.  And about 50 loads of laundry.  And just so much I legitimately need to do.

One of the hardest things ever for me to do is relax.  It's so difficult to push my ever-growing to do list out of my mind and be still and rest.  I'm a special ed major- it's what I've wanted to do since around fifth grade.  During my senior year of high school, I would go down to the Life Skills (special ed for all you non-Texans) room when I would get too stressed out.  I would finger paint, talk, laugh, read, or do whatever those kids wanted me to do.  It was a good reminder of what I was working towards.  I would calm down and go back to studying for AP exams or whatever I had going on that day.  I wish so desperately I could do this now.  I realize that I'm so fortunate to be able to get an education and that it will actually help and pertain to what I'll be doing for the rest of my life.  But more than anything, I want to be back in the Mother Teresa's home or safehouse in India, or House of Hope in Nicaragua.  I literally left my heart there.  My joy and fulfillment come from the Lord, but it's so hard being at a point where I know what I'm supposed to do and being told to wait to do it.  I'm not a very patient person.

I don't have anything really important to say today.  I'm listening to sad music (holla TSwizzle) and eating cookies.  I'm just homesick for places that I've only spent fractions of fractions of my life.  I'm longing for God to tell me to stop waiting and get to it.  Here are the pictures that are holding me over.