So I'm halfway through college and just a few weeks away from being 21.  I'm not quite sure how either of those things happened, but whatever.  I made it.  Sooo here's a list of 21 things that I wish I knew when I was halfway through high school.

1.  Moving halfway through high school wasn't as good of an idea as you originally thought.  Cherish those last few minutes being in the top 25 people of your class.

2.  Nike shorts will, in fact, become a staple in your wardrobe.  Thanks for a good foundation of those, by the way.

3.  You will miss cheerleading because that's the only time/way you're willing to do exercise.

4.  You're not going to be a doctor, possibly because you took pre-calc instead of AP Chem.  But you got out of calculus, so don't worry.

5.  You're also not going to be a lawyer, journalist, or social worker.

6.  You're actually going to be a teacher.  Laugh all you want, but you're going to love it.

7.  Going to UT is a good idea, even though North Carolina will always be home.

8.  Wagon Wheel.  You're welcome.

9.  I'm just going to throw this out there- your taste in music is based off what other people think is cool and not what you like.  Change that.

10.  People are going to surprise you, make you laugh, make you cry, and do stupid stuff.  That doesn't make them bad and that doesn't mean you have a right to dislike them or pass judgement.

11.  Biting through your face isn't such a bad thing.  It's great for Two Truths and a Lie.

12.  You aren't going to get over your love for sundresses.

13.  Crafting.  Love it, live it.

14.  Don't forget to enjoy learning.  You won't remember what it's like for a while, but you'll be happy when you do.

15.  HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE/ENCOURAGE YOUR CURIOSITY.  Just do it.

16.  Don't let yourself feel like something is too "mainstream" to enjoy it.  Appreciate the dichotomy of being in AP classes with cool people while being a cheerleader, but like what you want to like.

17.  Boys don't ever make sense.  Nor should you ever feel like you should change for one.

18.  First dates don't ever get easier.  Especially if you don't realize you're on a date.  Which happens.  College.

19.  Philosophy isn't a good idea.  You will cry, and it will not be from the beauty or meaningfulness of what you're reading.  It will be because you have a stomach bug, have no idea if the reading is actually in English (still up for debate), and because finals.

20.  Hey guess what you still hate pizza.

21.  People will tell you that you should go to a different college, go into a different major, and about five thousand other things that you, quite frankly, could care less about.  That's fine.  People are often driven by success or knowledge or other stuff.  You love people, and you're good at it, which special ed requires.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with school and life and forget the little things that make me happy.  A lot of those little things come from a mission trip that I made to Nicaragua after my junior year of high school.  It was my first exposure to such poverty and victims of human trafficking.  Before I left to return to the US, I promised myself that I would return, not just to visit but to stay.  I get to go back in two weeks.  It's not going to be forever, like I wish it could be, as I'm obviously still in class and have a couple more years left till I graduate.  But I'll be going to the country that I fell in love with, and I'll get to see some old, dear friends.  I'll also be making some new friends at an equestrian center for kiddos with special needs.  Y'all, that's basically all I want to do.  Hang out with those kiddos and be their friend-- and I'm willing to get over my fear of horses to do it (thats a big commitment).  Ultimately, I want to work down there, but this will be a great chance just to see what that would look like.  I know I've been talking to just about everyone about it, but I'm so excited to go.  It's like going home after a very long day...  Or three years.  Whatever.

SO I FORGOT SOME OF THE BEST NEWS EVER.

I'm going back to Nicaragua for Spring Break this year.  I'm sad that I'll be missing Beach Reach, which is awesome experience and I totally recommend it, but y'all.  Nicaragua.  Nicaragua where I first experienced heartbreak over poverty and first realized that my life isn't meant to be lived in America.  Nicaragua where I'll be working with special needs kids and girls rescued from prostitution.  Nicaragua where my heart is constantly drawn back to.  Nicaragua where God is faithful beyond what I could ask for.

Basically what's going to happen is I'll come home from Austin, pack a bag, don my Chacos (joke I've broken in those bad boys), grab my mom, and head to my favorite place on earth.  Yes, I did mean my mom.  My mother, being the brave and gracious soul she is, has offered to come with me.  And by offered, I really mean that it's a family trip, so I kind of needed a family member.  If she knew what she was getting herself into, I don't know if she'd have offered.  I'm literally so so so excited.  I get to see some of my girls and hug them again.  When I left three years ago, I didn't know if I'd ever have the chance to see them again.  The fact that I not only get to go back, but that I also get to work with special needs kids just blows my mind.  Three years ago, I realized that I do, in fact, want to live abroad and work with kids with special needs to help improve their lives.  This is God's way of saying, "I know what I made you for.  You're learning what I made you for.  I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm not done with you just yet."

With all the joy in my heart, I can excitedly say that I have 66 days until I'm home.

I absolutely hate New Year's resolutions.  It makes me feel lazy and dumb and self-centered.  Half the time I promise myself to spend more time reading my Bible, which never happens, or to exercise, which also rarely happens.  Sometimes I decide to take school more seriously, which I overdid in high school.  I always try to be less awkward, and I always fail.  Regardless of its intentions, resolutions always end up making me feel worse about myself than when I started.

This year, I'm saying that those goals aren't going to be my idols.  I'm going to eat to feed myself and run because exercise makes you happy, apparently, and I only have one body.  I'm going to study and do schoolwork because I want to be the best teacher possible.  I'm going to try to love others like Jesus would because everyone is going through something and needs it.  I'm going to forgive myself like Jesus would too because that's really the heart of a lot of my problems.

So may your 2013 be filled with love, peace, and blessings.

I absolutely despise finals, but I love Best Buddies soooo here is my motivation for studying.

Sometimes life gets hard and messy and just not fun.  Sometimes there's cancer when she's too young and it shouldn't be happening but it is.  Sometimes family doesn't understand that your heart is literally not in the same city, state, or even country as your house and they get mad.  Sometimes boys break hearts, and sometimes girls break hearts.  Sometimes friends call and tell you a secret that no one else can know and the promise that nothing has changed is made.  Sometimes friends just need you there.  Sometimes you don't know what to do, and you cry with them, for them, and then you sit in shared silence.  The silence that says, "I love you, and I'm here in the mess because that's all I know how to do right now, and I have no words to try to fix anything."  So you sit and wait, because you don't know what else to do.

That's the silence I've been in for the last few months.

In that silence though, sometimes there's healing.  Sometimes there's answers.  Love is there always, though.

I have one of the sweetest girls in the world as one of my best friends.  We went to the mall yesterday and just window shopped.  We ended up getting matching American flag socks, and she helped me pick out some hairbands at Forever 21.  I made her try one about 20 different hats, and she giggled when I tried them on as well.  We talked about her boyfriends- she has TWO- and I asked her for her wisdom because I have none.  We talked about friends and family and cute boys we had seen.  We took pictures, and then we went to dinner at some restaurant.  On the way home, we had quite a dance party with some Taylor Swift and One Direction (whatever they're younger than me and have good music).  It was seriously so much fun.

This beautiful girl, however, wasn't supposed to be alive.  Her doctors said she would live until maybe two, but lucky for me and everyone she's ever encountered, that certainly is not the case.  She's such a blessing, and she's one of my best friends.

Mission trips are a funny thing.  The amount of packing, meetings to go over crafts, and email reminders are unparalleled.  It's a phenomenon that any kid who spends time in youth group goes through.  We go, we serve, we come back, convinced that we're going to be missionaries for the rest of our lives.  But then school starts, and "the rest of our lives" seems a little overwhelming.  So we go through life until the next mission trip.  It's a vicious cycle.

In all honesty, I have fallen victim to this cycle.  I have planned fifty different ways of being a missionary overseas, each more exciting than the last.  I went to Nicaragua in 2010 and India in 2011.  While I was in India, I was miserable.  There was no air conditioning during the day, nonstop humidity and/or rain, smells that can most politely be described as awful, and people literally everywhere.  I don't know if you know this, but Calcutta has a population well over 15 million people.  We were not handing out tracts or evangelizing or preaching from the mountaintops to have all 15 million of those people become Christians.  Part of my trip was spent in Mother Teresa's House for the Destitute, what can best be described as a nursing home for the homeless.  It was not my cup of tea, or chai, so to speak.  I don't like old people because they usually have that sad, abandoned puppy dog look.  The first day there, I cried because the women there were so broken, and it was too much, God, I thought.  But of course, God took what was too much for me and showed me in rubbing in lotion, feeding women, changing women's clothes, walking them to their bed, bathroom, wherever, that He would be my strength.  That there was beauty in these women, long overlooked, and that it needed to be recognized.  That in such agony, there could still be laughter and love and joy and friendship.  I learned that toothless kisses on the cheek are some of the best kisses ever.  I learned that covering a woman's knees, even in a house of all women, can earn respect really fast.  I learned that sometimes, a manicure or pedicure can change a woman's outlook entirely.  I learned that even the grumpy, scary old woman who yelled at me every day in Hindi would give me a hug and kiss goodbye, brush my hair away from my face, and wipe away my tears.  Most importantly, I learned that being a servant isn't limited to India, Nicaragua, or wherever your mission trip is.  I knew that, but I didn't know how to serve wholeheartedly until being in India.  It's easy to see need where there's a lot of it and there are easy ways to meet it.  Unfortunately, we can't spend our entire lives based on the week or two of mission tripping (am I allowed to call it that?).  Serving doesn't have to end there, though.  Becoming a servant is a free souvenir we get to take home with us.  But back in a comfortable, suburban neighborhood in Texas, what does being a servant even mean?

Reasons to continue with school:

Seeing faces light up when I joke with those nuggets

Getting at least five hugs within the first five minutes of being in the classroom

Being told that I’m like a “baby sister” to the older guys in the class

The pictures I’m given

The jokes made at my expense

The constant basketball chatter

Seeing guys try to be sneaky and sign about the other teachers

Slowly becoming friends with the girl with autism who didn’t talk to me for two weeks

The happiness those kiddos have

Their love for each other

The constant building of my ego (“But Miss Alex, you’re so pretty!”)

Singing

Laughter

Acceptance

COLORING (this one is my favorite)

I've been so swamped with summer school and work and sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I'm double majoring.  It's so I can hang out with these kiddos and get to share their joy and happiness.  It makes the future a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.

Happy finals week!

Like almost everyone else I know, I'm been buried in notes and books and various food items that I've consumed in my studying.  I have one final tonight (seriously though, why Saturday from 7-10 at night?) and two on Tuesday.  I have lost any regard for what's socially acceptable, which seems to be what those also on campus have done as well.  I have had my hair up with glasses and Nike shorts on all week.

My roommate moved out this afternoon.  We went and got dinner together last night, and on the way, we saw my favorite homeless man on Guad.  He's a big sweetheart and has been through a lot.  He lost his daughter when she was only four.  As we talked to him last night, he gave me the best compliment that I could ever think of.  He told me that he had been wondering what his daughter would have looked like when she was in college, and that he would often look at the girls walking by and wonder if she would look/be like them.  Then he said that he hoped that she would have looked like me.  And that she would be like me.  I literally almost cried.

I realize that I can't save everyone and that I can't love everyone how they deserve to be loved, but things like that make me want to try even harder.

Freshman year is winding down (or up, if you want to consider the four finals I'll be taking in the next two weeks).  I cannot believe I've been so blessed to get to be at the best university ever with the best people ever.  I've learned so much, even if I wasn't particularly interested in learning it.

Some of the most important lessons I've learned this year are that trust is to be earned, forgiveness is hard, and that letting go is the best thing in the world.  I'm a very compassionate person, and I love getting to know people and getting to love them.  It's easy to open up and want people to know and love me.  I've learned that not everyone needs to know all my absolutely wonderful traits (like my mad baking abilities) and my not so pretty ones (I snore).  People are most likely not going to be that vulnerable with me.  If they are, they'll either not remember it in the morning (what's up, Beach Reach?) or be ashamed that they let down their guard to someone.  Once you've made yourself vulnerable, it's easy for people to hurt you, intentionally or not.  So I've learned to guard my heart, but I haven't quite mastered how to forgive.  It's easy for me to hold grudges, which is something God has been working on me in.  But it's also very easy for me to remember the hurt and find reasons not to forgive that particular person.  I've learned to forgive those who I don't have to see ever, but those I see daily/weekly/however often is still hard.  The hurt is still too fresh, the cut was too deep, it's festered too long. This isn't limited to friendships or relationships or even people I know.  I know that I'm supposed to love the men who kidnap and sell my girls, but I only see the hurt that they've caused.  I know that God can do it, and that He knows infinitely more about them- good and bad- than I do and still loves them.  I dwell on what I see though, and I get mad that they've hurt those I love so much in that manner.  And I know that Christ's wounds were too fresh, too deep, and too much to let Him still live.  My wrongs did that to Him, and He loves me regardless.  That's not my attitude towards others. It should be, but it's not.  If I let hurt and bitterness stay in my life too long, it will also be too much to let me continue to live.  Luckily for me, Christ is constantly taking my pain and redeeming me and bringing me back to life.  Which brings me to my last lesson.  When I do let go of the pain, there is such freedom, joy, peace.  Nothing in this world can compare to it or take it away from me.  God is such a boss.

Things to remember for these next few weeks:
God's grace
Showing God' grace
Everything regarding math, linguistics, play in childhood development, and elementary physics
Packing
Studying
Praying for all friends who are going on cool mission trips
Studying
Taking care of Fred (my new fish)
Studying

Happy finals, y'all!

Well, it's just about finals season again.  In between now and then, I have two more papers (one for extra credit), a test, and registration.  Why am I in college again?

Instead of doing ASL like I originally planned or Spanish like my mother so desperately wants, I'll be attempting to take French in the fall.  I've always wanted to learn it- even though my mother will probably say for the rest of my life that I won't be able to use it anywhere.  For international relations, we have to choose a region of the world to specialize in (ummm all of them?), and I'm thinking Africa would be cool.  A lot of African countries used to be French colonies, right?  Justification.  Anyway, if anyone is good at French and wants to help me out, that would be totally cool.  Just saying.  I'll be doing math and science for education majors, and then I'll get to do some fun history classes for international relations.  I was really stressed out about getting all the classes I wanted, but then I realized that God'll put me in the classes where I need to be, not the ones I want to be.

In other news, the BSM banquet is Friday, so that'll be fun.  I'm really digging all these end of the year events.  Except then I'm going to have to go back to Houston and none of my friends will be nearby.  #collegeproblems

Anyway.  My life has been pretty boring.  Hope yours has been more interesting and good!

"... with convictions strong enough to stand, I'm finding mercy of God right where I'm standing and it's beautiful and brilliant and blinding, but most of all, it's mine."

Obsession of the weekend.

Happy Easter, y'all!

As a poor college student who has a paper and three tests coming up this week, I did not get to go home.  I instead went to Stone along with thousands of my closest friends.  Then I went and ate some leftover spaghetti at my friend's apartment.  Holla.

I don't know a lot, but I do know Easter is the celebration of a beautiful, offensive, tragic miracle.  It's overwhelming and completely satisfying.  Jesus died so I could live.  It wasn't at a time when I was ready.  My life is constantly messy and not worthy of being saved.  But out of gratitude, awe, and love, I'm going to use this life, bought at such high a price, to glorify Him.  Ya dig?

Back in the day, I knew that I wanted to do with my life.  I thought I would become a special education teacher.  And then I went to Nicaragua and fell in love with the sweet girls at Casa Esperanza.  I figured that I could take time off after college and work there, and then I could work in a special needs school there.  I applied to colleges and did the whole senior year thing.  I spent the vast majority of the year in the Life Skills class.  Before I left for college, I went to India and worked with girls in another safehouse.  I realized that somehow God would mesh my two passions.  I came to college, did Best Buddies, and was congratulated for knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

With all that being said, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  I've given up parts of my life to the Lord.  First it was worth and pride, then boys, then friendships.  Now He's asking for school and future.  I've prayed and prayed, and then I decided to pray some more.  I'm going to try and double major in special ed (I have a lot of it done, and I just love love love those kiddos) and international relations (hello, left field).  I don't know how that's going to work out or anything, but this is me giving up what I think I should do, and doing what I think God's telling me.

"But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken."  Psalm 33:11

Well, I've successfully survived two papers, and I just have two tests to finish out the week.  What does that mean?  #BR2012 STORY TIME!

On Tuesday afternoon, my friend and I were heading back to the hotel from the beach.  We had a long night ahead of us, so we were going to shower and sleep and then get caffeine.  But God had other plans.  There was a very large, drunk guy in the path to the hotels.  Matt and I looked at each other and went and asked how we could help.  Matt carried the guy (who was literally twice his size) to the hotel, while I talked with his girlfriend.  They were in the middle of breaking up, and my heart immediately broke for her.  She was so upset by his drinking and other things that I wanted to cry for her.  I realize that's not saying much, since I'm a sympathy cryer, but it was still really bad.  When we got to the hotel, the key to their room would not work.  Matt took charge and went to the front desk to get it fixed.  I took the girl to the bathroom to wash her face.  I ended up just standing there, hugging her as she sobbed.  I had gone through a really bad break-up this past summer, so I knew her pain.  God gave me verses to speak truth and to encourage her.  She is so sweet and has such a beautiful heart and spirit.  If the only reason I went through the break-up was to be able to connect with her, it was worth it.  Her parents ended up flying her back home.  She later told me that I probably saved her life, and I told her it wasn't me who did it.  God was the mastermind behind it.

I was also taught that being prideful isn't good, that I do have to depend on people sometimes.  This was especially apparent outside of the clubs and at sketchy gas stations.  I needed a guy there to stand up and to demand respect for me.  I'm not exactly the most intimidating person in size.  I needed prayer and emotional support, whether it be from my prayer sponsors, roommates, team, or other friends on the trip.  It didn't make me weak.  Being vulnerable didn't mean that I was insufficient.  It means that I'm human, and it means that I do, in fact, need a perfect Savior.  I can't do perfect by myself.

God also put us in certain areas with us having no idea why.  I felt like I shouldn't leave the beach, and then I saw a girl having a seizure and had to call 911.  We were supposed to pick someone up.  They were a no show, so we gave someone else a ride, and Matt had a super spiritual conversation with him.  We ran into people we knew.  I was asked out on multiple dates by complete strangers (flirting for Jesus, anyone?).  We yelled out of windows to give people rides, only to face a language barrier.  God used every little thing that happened to glorify Himself.  He used us to bring seven(!) people to know Him personally.  He's so cool- but really.  He balls so hard (am I allowed to even say that?).

So now that you know what God did, you should also know that I have an awesome Toms tanline, learned some fantastic Christian pick up lines, gained more courage, and was unsuccessfully taught how to jerk.  But hey, learning how to dance can lead to some great conversations.

"To the weak, I will become weak, so I might when the weak.  I will become all things to all people, so by all means, I might win some."  1 Corinthians 9:22

So I survived Beach Reach 2012!  Holla.  Shoo.  Hash tag hash tag hash tag.  It was absolutely fantastic to see God moving in so many people's lives, Beach Reachers and spring breakers alike.  Last night alone, over thirty people came to Christ.  There was so much encouragement, love, and boldness going on, it was cray.  I had an absolutely wonderful team to work with on the Meth Van.  They are all such amazing people, and I grew soooo close to them.  Our van ride back was filled with affirmations and encouragement.  I'm so blessed to have these people as friends.

I wish I could write down every way I saw God move, except I got no sleep and am slightly delirious right now.  I also have two papers and two tests this week.  Shoo.  I'll write more about it later, I guess, but for now, pray for rest and time management.

I survived this week, and now I'm officially done with class and am getting ready to leave for spring break!  I'm so so soooo excited.  It's a little sad- this is the first time I'm not going to be in North Carolina for spring break since probably middle school.  I miss the beach, the mountains, the air, the BBQ...  I've been listening to Carolina on My Mind and Wagon Wheel (it talks about North Carolina- I promise!) nonstop.  But I knew that I was supposed to go on Beach Reach.  Even though it's not really a sacrifice, God would rather me go somewhere new for His glory rather than go to a place where I would be so comfortable.  That's something I've been struggling with.  As a Christian, I'm not called to a life of comfort.  I'm called to a life of trusting God and being blessed by it.

Please pray:
Safe travels for the group
I have an open heart to love and open ears to listen
Patience and rest!
I have a spirit of boldness
I don't interfere with what God's saying
Jesus shines in me
Ultimately that God will be glorified in everything

I'll let you know how everything goes!

Sooo being up at 2:30 is super fun, especially when you're studying for a child psych test.  Especially after finding out you won't, sadly, get the dream job you've wanted since, oh, you know, forever.  OK, forever is a little exaggeration, but since at least fourth grade, which really seems like forever to me. Yesterday (Monday) was not a particularly great day, and neither was today.  I had a migraine, was stressed out, and was disappointed.  I couldn't make it to my eight o'clock class because I literally felt like my brain was going to explode.  I wasn't at peace, and I was grumpy with everyone who said that God had something better planned.  Sometimes that helps people, but I'm not one of them nor was it a helpful time to hear it.  I looked at pictures from my past mission trips and looked into other ones that are not at all realistic for me.  I have become so apathetic towards school and just about everything.  All I've really wanted to do is sit in my room, by myself, and eat ice cream and possibly cry because nothing is going the way I planned.  Instead I have:
a test tomorrow
tabling for Best Buddies (it'll be really fun though)
a test Thursday
a meeting Thursday night
BEACH REACH Friday through Friday (I'm super excited about this one!)
a paper due the next Monday
a paper due Thursday
two tests Friday

Lucky for me, my God isn't a god that is there during good days and disappears on the bad ones.  No, my God is the God of both good and bad days.  He uses my bad days to teach me to trust Him.  I already have seen so many other opportunities I have to serve Him this summer in ways that I wouldn't have imagined otherwise.  Even in rejection, He's growing my heart and drawing me closer to Him.  He wants me to have peace and be healthy.  One of my new friends (holla fo' community!) assured me today that God is fine with us needing to take breaks from everything.  Jesus went and prayed by Himself a lot.  It's fine for us to step back from our busy schedules and do the same.  He wasn't even happy all the time.  The book of John talks about Jesus crying, which I do, a lot.  It's alright to be human.  I'm so relieved that I'm not expected to be perfect all the time because only God can do that.  And since He's the perfect one, I need to accept His schedule of my life, without rushing or whining.

"You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in you book.  Every moment was laid out before a day had passed."  Psalm 139:16

"In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."  Jeremiah 29:12-13

So I'm going to South Padre.  In less than a week.  I find out about Student Life tomorrow (ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!).  I also have two tests this week.  And after spring break.  And two papers that need to be written.  And about 50 loads of laundry.  And just so much I legitimately need to do.

One of the hardest things ever for me to do is relax.  It's so difficult to push my ever-growing to do list out of my mind and be still and rest.  I'm a special ed major- it's what I've wanted to do since around fifth grade.  During my senior year of high school, I would go down to the Life Skills (special ed for all you non-Texans) room when I would get too stressed out.  I would finger paint, talk, laugh, read, or do whatever those kids wanted me to do.  It was a good reminder of what I was working towards.  I would calm down and go back to studying for AP exams or whatever I had going on that day.  I wish so desperately I could do this now.  I realize that I'm so fortunate to be able to get an education and that it will actually help and pertain to what I'll be doing for the rest of my life.  But more than anything, I want to be back in the Mother Teresa's home or safehouse in India, or House of Hope in Nicaragua.  I literally left my heart there.  My joy and fulfillment come from the Lord, but it's so hard being at a point where I know what I'm supposed to do and being told to wait to do it.  I'm not a very patient person.

I don't have anything really important to say today.  I'm listening to sad music (holla TSwizzle) and eating cookies.  I'm just homesick for places that I've only spent fractions of fractions of my life.  I'm longing for God to tell me to stop waiting and get to it.  Here are the pictures that are holding me over.