Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sometimes life gets hard and messy and just not fun. Sometimes there's cancer when she's too young and it shouldn't be happening but it is. Sometimes family doesn't understand that your heart is literally not in the same city, state, or even country as your house and they get mad. Sometimes boys break hearts, and sometimes girls break hearts. Sometimes friends call and tell you a secret that no one else can know and the promise that nothing has changed is made. Sometimes friends just need you there. Sometimes you don't know what to do, and you cry with them, for them, and then you sit in shared silence. The silence that says, "I love you, and I'm here in the mess because that's all I know how to do right now, and I have no words to try to fix anything." So you sit and wait, because you don't know what else to do.
That's the silence I've been in for the last few months.
In that silence though, sometimes there's healing. Sometimes there's answers. Love is there always, though.
That's the silence I've been in for the last few months.
In that silence though, sometimes there's healing. Sometimes there's answers. Love is there always, though.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I have one of the sweetest girls in the world as one of my best friends. We went to the mall yesterday and just window shopped. We ended up getting matching American flag socks, and she helped me pick out some hairbands at Forever 21. I made her try one about 20 different hats, and she giggled when I tried them on as well. We talked about her boyfriends- she has TWO- and I asked her for her wisdom because I have none. We talked about friends and family and cute boys we had seen. We took pictures, and then we went to dinner at some restaurant. On the way home, we had quite a dance party with some Taylor Swift and One Direction (whatever they're younger than me and have good music). It was seriously so much fun.
This beautiful girl, however, wasn't supposed to be alive. Her doctors said she would live until maybe two, but lucky for me and everyone she's ever encountered, that certainly is not the case. She's such a blessing, and she's one of my best friends.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Mission trips are a funny thing. The amount of packing, meetings to go over crafts, and email reminders are unparalleled. It's a phenomenon that any kid who spends time in youth group goes through. We go, we serve, we come back, convinced that we're going to be missionaries for the rest of our lives. But then school starts, and "the rest of our lives" seems a little overwhelming. So we go through life until the next mission trip. It's a vicious cycle.
In all honesty, I have fallen victim to this cycle. I have planned fifty different ways of being a missionary overseas, each more exciting than the last. I went to Nicaragua in 2010 and India in 2011. While I was in India, I was miserable. There was no air conditioning during the day, nonstop humidity and/or rain, smells that can most politely be described as awful, and people literally everywhere. I don't know if you know this, but Calcutta has a population well over 15 million people. We were not handing out tracts or evangelizing or preaching from the mountaintops to have all 15 million of those people become Christians. Part of my trip was spent in Mother Teresa's House for the Destitute, what can best be described as a nursing home for the homeless. It was not my cup of tea, or chai, so to speak. I don't like old people because they usually have that sad, abandoned puppy dog look. The first day there, I cried because the women there were so broken, and it was too much, God, I thought. But of course, God took what was too much for me and showed me in rubbing in lotion, feeding women, changing women's clothes, walking them to their bed, bathroom, wherever, that He would be my strength. That there was beauty in these women, long overlooked, and that it needed to be recognized. That in such agony, there could still be laughter and love and joy and friendship. I learned that toothless kisses on the cheek are some of the best kisses ever. I learned that covering a woman's knees, even in a house of all women, can earn respect really fast. I learned that sometimes, a manicure or pedicure can change a woman's outlook entirely. I learned that even the grumpy, scary old woman who yelled at me every day in Hindi would give me a hug and kiss goodbye, brush my hair away from my face, and wipe away my tears. Most importantly, I learned that being a servant isn't limited to India, Nicaragua, or wherever your mission trip is. I knew that, but I didn't know how to serve wholeheartedly until being in India. It's easy to see need where there's a lot of it and there are easy ways to meet it. Unfortunately, we can't spend our entire lives based on the week or two of mission tripping (am I allowed to call it that?). Serving doesn't have to end there, though. Becoming a servant is a free souvenir we get to take home with us. But back in a comfortable, suburban neighborhood in Texas, what does being a servant even mean?
In all honesty, I have fallen victim to this cycle. I have planned fifty different ways of being a missionary overseas, each more exciting than the last. I went to Nicaragua in 2010 and India in 2011. While I was in India, I was miserable. There was no air conditioning during the day, nonstop humidity and/or rain, smells that can most politely be described as awful, and people literally everywhere. I don't know if you know this, but Calcutta has a population well over 15 million people. We were not handing out tracts or evangelizing or preaching from the mountaintops to have all 15 million of those people become Christians. Part of my trip was spent in Mother Teresa's House for the Destitute, what can best be described as a nursing home for the homeless. It was not my cup of tea, or chai, so to speak. I don't like old people because they usually have that sad, abandoned puppy dog look. The first day there, I cried because the women there were so broken, and it was too much, God, I thought. But of course, God took what was too much for me and showed me in rubbing in lotion, feeding women, changing women's clothes, walking them to their bed, bathroom, wherever, that He would be my strength. That there was beauty in these women, long overlooked, and that it needed to be recognized. That in such agony, there could still be laughter and love and joy and friendship. I learned that toothless kisses on the cheek are some of the best kisses ever. I learned that covering a woman's knees, even in a house of all women, can earn respect really fast. I learned that sometimes, a manicure or pedicure can change a woman's outlook entirely. I learned that even the grumpy, scary old woman who yelled at me every day in Hindi would give me a hug and kiss goodbye, brush my hair away from my face, and wipe away my tears. Most importantly, I learned that being a servant isn't limited to India, Nicaragua, or wherever your mission trip is. I knew that, but I didn't know how to serve wholeheartedly until being in India. It's easy to see need where there's a lot of it and there are easy ways to meet it. Unfortunately, we can't spend our entire lives based on the week or two of mission tripping (am I allowed to call it that?). Serving doesn't have to end there, though. Becoming a servant is a free souvenir we get to take home with us. But back in a comfortable, suburban neighborhood in Texas, what does being a servant even mean?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Reasons to continue with school:
Seeing faces light up when I joke with those nuggets
Getting at least five hugs within the first five minutes of
being in the classroom
Being told that I’m like a “baby sister” to the older guys
in the class
The pictures I’m given
The jokes made at my expense
The constant basketball chatter
Seeing guys try to be sneaky and sign about the other
teachers
Slowly becoming friends with the girl with autism who didn’t
talk to me for two weeks
The happiness those kiddos have
Their love for each other
The constant building of my ego (“But Miss Alex, you’re so
pretty!”)
Singing
Laughter
Acceptance
COLORING (this one is my favorite)
I've been so swamped with summer school and work and sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I'm double majoring. It's so I can hang out with these kiddos and get to share their joy and happiness. It makes the future a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Happy finals week!
Like almost everyone else I know, I'm been buried in notes and books and various food items that I've consumed in my studying. I have one final tonight (seriously though, why Saturday from 7-10 at night?) and two on Tuesday. I have lost any regard for what's socially acceptable, which seems to be what those also on campus have done as well. I have had my hair up with glasses and Nike shorts on all week.
My roommate moved out this afternoon. We went and got dinner together last night, and on the way, we saw my favorite homeless man on Guad. He's a big sweetheart and has been through a lot. He lost his daughter when she was only four. As we talked to him last night, he gave me the best compliment that I could ever think of. He told me that he had been wondering what his daughter would have looked like when she was in college, and that he would often look at the girls walking by and wonder if she would look/be like them. Then he said that he hoped that she would have looked like me. And that she would be like me. I literally almost cried.
I realize that I can't save everyone and that I can't love everyone how they deserve to be loved, but things like that make me want to try even harder.
Like almost everyone else I know, I'm been buried in notes and books and various food items that I've consumed in my studying. I have one final tonight (seriously though, why Saturday from 7-10 at night?) and two on Tuesday. I have lost any regard for what's socially acceptable, which seems to be what those also on campus have done as well. I have had my hair up with glasses and Nike shorts on all week.
My roommate moved out this afternoon. We went and got dinner together last night, and on the way, we saw my favorite homeless man on Guad. He's a big sweetheart and has been through a lot. He lost his daughter when she was only four. As we talked to him last night, he gave me the best compliment that I could ever think of. He told me that he had been wondering what his daughter would have looked like when she was in college, and that he would often look at the girls walking by and wonder if she would look/be like them. Then he said that he hoped that she would have looked like me. And that she would be like me. I literally almost cried.
I realize that I can't save everyone and that I can't love everyone how they deserve to be loved, but things like that make me want to try even harder.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Freshman year is winding down (or up, if you want to consider the four finals I'll be taking in the next two weeks). I cannot believe I've been so blessed to get to be at the best university ever with the best people ever. I've learned so much, even if I wasn't particularly interested in learning it.
Some of the most important lessons I've learned this year are that trust is to be earned, forgiveness is hard, and that letting go is the best thing in the world. I'm a very compassionate person, and I love getting to know people and getting to love them. It's easy to open up and want people to know and love me. I've learned that not everyone needs to know all my absolutely wonderful traits (like my mad baking abilities) and my not so pretty ones (I snore). People are most likely not going to be that vulnerable with me. If they are, they'll either not remember it in the morning (what's up, Beach Reach?) or be ashamed that they let down their guard to someone. Once you've made yourself vulnerable, it's easy for people to hurt you, intentionally or not. So I've learned to guard my heart, but I haven't quite mastered how to forgive. It's easy for me to hold grudges, which is something God has been working on me in. But it's also very easy for me to remember the hurt and find reasons not to forgive that particular person. I've learned to forgive those who I don't have to see ever, but those I see daily/weekly/however often is still hard. The hurt is still too fresh, the cut was too deep, it's festered too long. This isn't limited to friendships or relationships or even people I know. I know that I'm supposed to love the men who kidnap and sell my girls, but I only see the hurt that they've caused. I know that God can do it, and that He knows infinitely more about them- good and bad- than I do and still loves them. I dwell on what I see though, and I get mad that they've hurt those I love so much in that manner. And I know that Christ's wounds were too fresh, too deep, and too much to let Him still live. My wrongs did that to Him, and He loves me regardless. That's not my attitude towards others. It should be, but it's not. If I let hurt and bitterness stay in my life too long, it will also be too much to let me continue to live. Luckily for me, Christ is constantly taking my pain and redeeming me and bringing me back to life. Which brings me to my last lesson. When I do let go of the pain, there is such freedom, joy, peace. Nothing in this world can compare to it or take it away from me. God is such a boss.
Things to remember for these next few weeks:
God's grace
Showing God' grace
Everything regarding math, linguistics, play in childhood development, and elementary physics
Packing
Studying
Praying for all friends who are going on cool mission trips
Studying
Taking care of Fred (my new fish)
Studying
Happy finals, y'all!
Some of the most important lessons I've learned this year are that trust is to be earned, forgiveness is hard, and that letting go is the best thing in the world. I'm a very compassionate person, and I love getting to know people and getting to love them. It's easy to open up and want people to know and love me. I've learned that not everyone needs to know all my absolutely wonderful traits (like my mad baking abilities) and my not so pretty ones (I snore). People are most likely not going to be that vulnerable with me. If they are, they'll either not remember it in the morning (what's up, Beach Reach?) or be ashamed that they let down their guard to someone. Once you've made yourself vulnerable, it's easy for people to hurt you, intentionally or not. So I've learned to guard my heart, but I haven't quite mastered how to forgive. It's easy for me to hold grudges, which is something God has been working on me in. But it's also very easy for me to remember the hurt and find reasons not to forgive that particular person. I've learned to forgive those who I don't have to see ever, but those I see daily/weekly/however often is still hard. The hurt is still too fresh, the cut was too deep, it's festered too long. This isn't limited to friendships or relationships or even people I know. I know that I'm supposed to love the men who kidnap and sell my girls, but I only see the hurt that they've caused. I know that God can do it, and that He knows infinitely more about them- good and bad- than I do and still loves them. I dwell on what I see though, and I get mad that they've hurt those I love so much in that manner. And I know that Christ's wounds were too fresh, too deep, and too much to let Him still live. My wrongs did that to Him, and He loves me regardless. That's not my attitude towards others. It should be, but it's not. If I let hurt and bitterness stay in my life too long, it will also be too much to let me continue to live. Luckily for me, Christ is constantly taking my pain and redeeming me and bringing me back to life. Which brings me to my last lesson. When I do let go of the pain, there is such freedom, joy, peace. Nothing in this world can compare to it or take it away from me. God is such a boss.
Things to remember for these next few weeks:
God's grace
Showing God' grace
Everything regarding math, linguistics, play in childhood development, and elementary physics
Packing
Studying
Praying for all friends who are going on cool mission trips
Studying
Taking care of Fred (my new fish)
Studying
Happy finals, y'all!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Well, it's just about finals season again. In between now and then, I have two more papers (one for extra credit), a test, and registration. Why am I in college again?
Instead of doing ASL like I originally planned or Spanish like my mother so desperately wants, I'll be attempting to take French in the fall. I've always wanted to learn it- even though my mother will probably say for the rest of my life that I won't be able to use it anywhere. For international relations, we have to choose a region of the world to specialize in (ummm all of them?), and I'm thinking Africa would be cool. A lot of African countries used to be French colonies, right? Justification. Anyway, if anyone is good at French and wants to help me out, that would be totally cool. Just saying. I'll be doing math and science for education majors, and then I'll get to do some fun history classes for international relations. I was really stressed out about getting all the classes I wanted, but then I realized that God'll put me in the classes where I need to be, not the ones I want to be.
In other news, the BSM banquet is Friday, so that'll be fun. I'm really digging all these end of the year events. Except then I'm going to have to go back to Houston and none of my friends will be nearby. #collegeproblems
Anyway. My life has been pretty boring. Hope yours has been more interesting and good!
Instead of doing ASL like I originally planned or Spanish like my mother so desperately wants, I'll be attempting to take French in the fall. I've always wanted to learn it- even though my mother will probably say for the rest of my life that I won't be able to use it anywhere. For international relations, we have to choose a region of the world to specialize in (ummm all of them?), and I'm thinking Africa would be cool. A lot of African countries used to be French colonies, right? Justification. Anyway, if anyone is good at French and wants to help me out, that would be totally cool. Just saying. I'll be doing math and science for education majors, and then I'll get to do some fun history classes for international relations. I was really stressed out about getting all the classes I wanted, but then I realized that God'll put me in the classes where I need to be, not the ones I want to be.
In other news, the BSM banquet is Friday, so that'll be fun. I'm really digging all these end of the year events. Except then I'm going to have to go back to Houston and none of my friends will be nearby. #collegeproblems
Anyway. My life has been pretty boring. Hope yours has been more interesting and good!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy Easter, y'all!
As a poor college student who has a paper and three tests coming up this week, I did not get to go home. I instead went to Stone along with thousands of my closest friends. Then I went and ate some leftover spaghetti at my friend's apartment. Holla.
I don't know a lot, but I do know Easter is the celebration of a beautiful, offensive, tragic miracle. It's overwhelming and completely satisfying. Jesus died so I could live. It wasn't at a time when I was ready. My life is constantly messy and not worthy of being saved. But out of gratitude, awe, and love, I'm going to use this life, bought at such high a price, to glorify Him. Ya dig?
As a poor college student who has a paper and three tests coming up this week, I did not get to go home. I instead went to Stone along with thousands of my closest friends. Then I went and ate some leftover spaghetti at my friend's apartment. Holla.
I don't know a lot, but I do know Easter is the celebration of a beautiful, offensive, tragic miracle. It's overwhelming and completely satisfying. Jesus died so I could live. It wasn't at a time when I was ready. My life is constantly messy and not worthy of being saved. But out of gratitude, awe, and love, I'm going to use this life, bought at such high a price, to glorify Him. Ya dig?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Back in the day, I knew that I wanted to do with my life. I thought I would become a special education teacher. And then I went to Nicaragua and fell in love with the sweet girls at Casa Esperanza. I figured that I could take time off after college and work there, and then I could work in a special needs school there. I applied to colleges and did the whole senior year thing. I spent the vast majority of the year in the Life Skills class. Before I left for college, I went to India and worked with girls in another safehouse. I realized that somehow God would mesh my two passions. I came to college, did Best Buddies, and was congratulated for knowing what I wanted to do with my life.
With all that being said, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I've given up parts of my life to the Lord. First it was worth and pride, then boys, then friendships. Now He's asking for school and future. I've prayed and prayed, and then I decided to pray some more. I'm going to try and double major in special ed (I have a lot of it done, and I just love love love those kiddos) and international relations (hello, left field). I don't know how that's going to work out or anything, but this is me giving up what I think I should do, and doing what I think God's telling me.
"But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33:11
With all that being said, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I've given up parts of my life to the Lord. First it was worth and pride, then boys, then friendships. Now He's asking for school and future. I've prayed and prayed, and then I decided to pray some more. I'm going to try and double major in special ed (I have a lot of it done, and I just love love love those kiddos) and international relations (hello, left field). I don't know how that's going to work out or anything, but this is me giving up what I think I should do, and doing what I think God's telling me.
"But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33:11
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Well, I've successfully survived two papers, and I just have two tests to finish out the week. What does that mean? #BR2012 STORY TIME!
On Tuesday afternoon, my friend and I were heading back to the hotel from the beach. We had a long night ahead of us, so we were going to shower and sleep and then get caffeine. But God had other plans. There was a very large, drunk guy in the path to the hotels. Matt and I looked at each other and went and asked how we could help. Matt carried the guy (who was literally twice his size) to the hotel, while I talked with his girlfriend. They were in the middle of breaking up, and my heart immediately broke for her. She was so upset by his drinking and other things that I wanted to cry for her. I realize that's not saying much, since I'm a sympathy cryer, but it was still really bad. When we got to the hotel, the key to their room would not work. Matt took charge and went to the front desk to get it fixed. I took the girl to the bathroom to wash her face. I ended up just standing there, hugging her as she sobbed. I had gone through a really bad break-up this past summer, so I knew her pain. God gave me verses to speak truth and to encourage her. She is so sweet and has such a beautiful heart and spirit. If the only reason I went through the break-up was to be able to connect with her, it was worth it. Her parents ended up flying her back home. She later told me that I probably saved her life, and I told her it wasn't me who did it. God was the mastermind behind it.
I was also taught that being prideful isn't good, that I do have to depend on people sometimes. This was especially apparent outside of the clubs and at sketchy gas stations. I needed a guy there to stand up and to demand respect for me. I'm not exactly the most intimidating person in size. I needed prayer and emotional support, whether it be from my prayer sponsors, roommates, team, or other friends on the trip. It didn't make me weak. Being vulnerable didn't mean that I was insufficient. It means that I'm human, and it means that I do, in fact, need a perfect Savior. I can't do perfect by myself.
God also put us in certain areas with us having no idea why. I felt like I shouldn't leave the beach, and then I saw a girl having a seizure and had to call 911. We were supposed to pick someone up. They were a no show, so we gave someone else a ride, and Matt had a super spiritual conversation with him. We ran into people we knew. I was asked out on multiple dates by complete strangers (flirting for Jesus, anyone?). We yelled out of windows to give people rides, only to face a language barrier. God used every little thing that happened to glorify Himself. He used us to bring seven(!) people to know Him personally. He's so cool- but really. He balls so hard (am I allowed to even say that?).
So now that you know what God did, you should also know that I have an awesome Toms tanline, learned some fantastic Christian pick up lines, gained more courage, and was unsuccessfully taught how to jerk. But hey, learning how to dance can lead to some great conversations.
"To the weak, I will become weak, so I might when the weak. I will become all things to all people, so by all means, I might win some." 1 Corinthians 9:22
On Tuesday afternoon, my friend and I were heading back to the hotel from the beach. We had a long night ahead of us, so we were going to shower and sleep and then get caffeine. But God had other plans. There was a very large, drunk guy in the path to the hotels. Matt and I looked at each other and went and asked how we could help. Matt carried the guy (who was literally twice his size) to the hotel, while I talked with his girlfriend. They were in the middle of breaking up, and my heart immediately broke for her. She was so upset by his drinking and other things that I wanted to cry for her. I realize that's not saying much, since I'm a sympathy cryer, but it was still really bad. When we got to the hotel, the key to their room would not work. Matt took charge and went to the front desk to get it fixed. I took the girl to the bathroom to wash her face. I ended up just standing there, hugging her as she sobbed. I had gone through a really bad break-up this past summer, so I knew her pain. God gave me verses to speak truth and to encourage her. She is so sweet and has such a beautiful heart and spirit. If the only reason I went through the break-up was to be able to connect with her, it was worth it. Her parents ended up flying her back home. She later told me that I probably saved her life, and I told her it wasn't me who did it. God was the mastermind behind it.
I was also taught that being prideful isn't good, that I do have to depend on people sometimes. This was especially apparent outside of the clubs and at sketchy gas stations. I needed a guy there to stand up and to demand respect for me. I'm not exactly the most intimidating person in size. I needed prayer and emotional support, whether it be from my prayer sponsors, roommates, team, or other friends on the trip. It didn't make me weak. Being vulnerable didn't mean that I was insufficient. It means that I'm human, and it means that I do, in fact, need a perfect Savior. I can't do perfect by myself.
God also put us in certain areas with us having no idea why. I felt like I shouldn't leave the beach, and then I saw a girl having a seizure and had to call 911. We were supposed to pick someone up. They were a no show, so we gave someone else a ride, and Matt had a super spiritual conversation with him. We ran into people we knew. I was asked out on multiple dates by complete strangers (flirting for Jesus, anyone?). We yelled out of windows to give people rides, only to face a language barrier. God used every little thing that happened to glorify Himself. He used us to bring seven(!) people to know Him personally. He's so cool- but really. He balls so hard (am I allowed to even say that?).
So now that you know what God did, you should also know that I have an awesome Toms tanline, learned some fantastic Christian pick up lines, gained more courage, and was unsuccessfully taught how to jerk. But hey, learning how to dance can lead to some great conversations.
"To the weak, I will become weak, so I might when the weak. I will become all things to all people, so by all means, I might win some." 1 Corinthians 9:22
Friday, March 16, 2012
So I survived Beach Reach 2012! Holla. Shoo. Hash tag hash tag hash tag. It was absolutely fantastic to see God moving in so many people's lives, Beach Reachers and spring breakers alike. Last night alone, over thirty people came to Christ. There was so much encouragement, love, and boldness going on, it was cray. I had an absolutely wonderful team to work with on the Meth Van. They are all such amazing people, and I grew soooo close to them. Our van ride back was filled with affirmations and encouragement. I'm so blessed to have these people as friends.
I wish I could write down every way I saw God move, except I got no sleep and am slightly delirious right now. I also have two papers and two tests this week. Shoo. I'll write more about it later, I guess, but for now, pray for rest and time management.
I wish I could write down every way I saw God move, except I got no sleep and am slightly delirious right now. I also have two papers and two tests this week. Shoo. I'll write more about it later, I guess, but for now, pray for rest and time management.
Friday, March 9, 2012
I survived this week, and now I'm officially done with class and am getting ready to leave for spring break! I'm so so soooo excited. It's a little sad- this is the first time I'm not going to be in North Carolina for spring break since probably middle school. I miss the beach, the mountains, the air, the BBQ... I've been listening to Carolina on My Mind and Wagon Wheel (it talks about North Carolina- I promise!) nonstop. But I knew that I was supposed to go on Beach Reach. Even though it's not really a sacrifice, God would rather me go somewhere new for His glory rather than go to a place where I would be so comfortable. That's something I've been struggling with. As a Christian, I'm not called to a life of comfort. I'm called to a life of trusting God and being blessed by it.
Please pray:
Safe travels for the group
I have an open heart to love and open ears to listen
Patience and rest!
I have a spirit of boldness
I don't interfere with what God's saying
Jesus shines in me
Ultimately that God will be glorified in everything
I'll let you know how everything goes!
Please pray:
Safe travels for the group
I have an open heart to love and open ears to listen
Patience and rest!
I have a spirit of boldness
I don't interfere with what God's saying
Jesus shines in me
Ultimately that God will be glorified in everything
I'll let you know how everything goes!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sooo being up at 2:30 is super fun, especially when you're studying for a child psych test. Especially after finding out you won't, sadly, get the dream job you've wanted since, oh, you know, forever. OK, forever is a little exaggeration, but since at least fourth grade, which really seems like forever to me. Yesterday (Monday) was not a particularly great day, and neither was today. I had a migraine, was stressed out, and was disappointed. I couldn't make it to my eight o'clock class because I literally felt like my brain was going to explode. I wasn't at peace, and I was grumpy with everyone who said that God had something better planned. Sometimes that helps people, but I'm not one of them nor was it a helpful time to hear it. I looked at pictures from my past mission trips and looked into other ones that are not at all realistic for me. I have become so apathetic towards school and just about everything. All I've really wanted to do is sit in my room, by myself, and eat ice cream and possibly cry because nothing is going the way I planned. Instead I have:
a test tomorrow
tabling for Best Buddies (it'll be really fun though)
a test Thursday
a meeting Thursday night
BEACH REACH Friday through Friday (I'm super excited about this one!)
a paper due the next Monday
a paper due Thursday
two tests Friday
Lucky for me, my God isn't a god that is there during good days and disappears on the bad ones. No, my God is the God of both good and bad days. He uses my bad days to teach me to trust Him. I already have seen so many other opportunities I have to serve Him this summer in ways that I wouldn't have imagined otherwise. Even in rejection, He's growing my heart and drawing me closer to Him. He wants me to have peace and be healthy. One of my new friends (holla fo' community!) assured me today that God is fine with us needing to take breaks from everything. Jesus went and prayed by Himself a lot. It's fine for us to step back from our busy schedules and do the same. He wasn't even happy all the time. The book of John talks about Jesus crying, which I do, a lot. It's alright to be human. I'm so relieved that I'm not expected to be perfect all the time because only God can do that. And since He's the perfect one, I need to accept His schedule of my life, without rushing or whining.
"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a day had passed." Psalm 139:16
"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:12-13
a test tomorrow
tabling for Best Buddies (it'll be really fun though)
a test Thursday
a meeting Thursday night
BEACH REACH Friday through Friday (I'm super excited about this one!)
a paper due the next Monday
a paper due Thursday
two tests Friday
Lucky for me, my God isn't a god that is there during good days and disappears on the bad ones. No, my God is the God of both good and bad days. He uses my bad days to teach me to trust Him. I already have seen so many other opportunities I have to serve Him this summer in ways that I wouldn't have imagined otherwise. Even in rejection, He's growing my heart and drawing me closer to Him. He wants me to have peace and be healthy. One of my new friends (holla fo' community!) assured me today that God is fine with us needing to take breaks from everything. Jesus went and prayed by Himself a lot. It's fine for us to step back from our busy schedules and do the same. He wasn't even happy all the time. The book of John talks about Jesus crying, which I do, a lot. It's alright to be human. I'm so relieved that I'm not expected to be perfect all the time because only God can do that. And since He's the perfect one, I need to accept His schedule of my life, without rushing or whining.
"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a day had passed." Psalm 139:16
"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:12-13
Sunday, March 4, 2012
So I'm going to South Padre. In less than a week. I find out about Student Life tomorrow (ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!). I also have two tests this week. And after spring break. And two papers that need to be written. And about 50 loads of laundry. And just so much I legitimately need to do.
One of the hardest things ever for me to do is relax. It's so difficult to push my ever-growing to do list out of my mind and be still and rest. I'm a special ed major- it's what I've wanted to do since around fifth grade. During my senior year of high school, I would go down to the Life Skills (special ed for all you non-Texans) room when I would get too stressed out. I would finger paint, talk, laugh, read, or do whatever those kids wanted me to do. It was a good reminder of what I was working towards. I would calm down and go back to studying for AP exams or whatever I had going on that day. I wish so desperately I could do this now. I realize that I'm so fortunate to be able to get an education and that it will actually help and pertain to what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. But more than anything, I want to be back in the Mother Teresa's home or safehouse in India, or House of Hope in Nicaragua. I literally left my heart there. My joy and fulfillment come from the Lord, but it's so hard being at a point where I know what I'm supposed to do and being told to wait to do it. I'm not a very patient person.
I don't have anything really important to say today. I'm listening to sad music (holla TSwizzle) and eating cookies. I'm just homesick for places that I've only spent fractions of fractions of my life. I'm longing for God to tell me to stop waiting and get to it. Here are the pictures that are holding me over.
One of the hardest things ever for me to do is relax. It's so difficult to push my ever-growing to do list out of my mind and be still and rest. I'm a special ed major- it's what I've wanted to do since around fifth grade. During my senior year of high school, I would go down to the Life Skills (special ed for all you non-Texans) room when I would get too stressed out. I would finger paint, talk, laugh, read, or do whatever those kids wanted me to do. It was a good reminder of what I was working towards. I would calm down and go back to studying for AP exams or whatever I had going on that day. I wish so desperately I could do this now. I realize that I'm so fortunate to be able to get an education and that it will actually help and pertain to what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. But more than anything, I want to be back in the Mother Teresa's home or safehouse in India, or House of Hope in Nicaragua. I literally left my heart there. My joy and fulfillment come from the Lord, but it's so hard being at a point where I know what I'm supposed to do and being told to wait to do it. I'm not a very patient person.
I don't have anything really important to say today. I'm listening to sad music (holla TSwizzle) and eating cookies. I'm just homesick for places that I've only spent fractions of fractions of my life. I'm longing for God to tell me to stop waiting and get to it. Here are the pictures that are holding me over.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"I in love with you. No cry. Think of me and smile." These were my final instructions as I left one of my favorite places on earth.
Over the summer, I worked in a safe house for girls rescued from forced sex slavery in India. It was one of the best and worst experiences of my life- in every sense of both words. I had never been pushed physically as far as I was for those two weeks. Emotionally, I was pushed even farther. I had just gotten out of a bad break up, was anxious about college, and had little faith that I could be loved. I spent two weeks loving these girls. I loved them with my entire heart, even though it was shattered. The more I loved them, the more God healed my heart. It wasn't an easy process, but being made whole never is. The pain that my girls went through broke my heart for new, harder reasons. The pain wasn't a selfish one. It was a knowing, compassionate, empathetic one.
These girls, who were once prostitutes, were broken in every way. They were found, rescued, and restored. My girls, who were treated as dirt, were made beautiful and clean again. My heart, unfaithful to the God I cling to, was shattered. I was found, rescued, and restored. I was cleaned and made beautiful. Most importantly, I was assured that even in my darkest hour, I have Someone who will always love me beyond measure. Even when someone makes me feel unlovable. Even when I mess up. Even when I have no reason to be loved.
I always will remember that I'm loved, not to cry, to think of my dear ones, and smile. Be filled with peace and joy that does not come from people's abilities, but from my Savior's.
Over the summer, I worked in a safe house for girls rescued from forced sex slavery in India. It was one of the best and worst experiences of my life- in every sense of both words. I had never been pushed physically as far as I was for those two weeks. Emotionally, I was pushed even farther. I had just gotten out of a bad break up, was anxious about college, and had little faith that I could be loved. I spent two weeks loving these girls. I loved them with my entire heart, even though it was shattered. The more I loved them, the more God healed my heart. It wasn't an easy process, but being made whole never is. The pain that my girls went through broke my heart for new, harder reasons. The pain wasn't a selfish one. It was a knowing, compassionate, empathetic one.
These girls, who were once prostitutes, were broken in every way. They were found, rescued, and restored. My girls, who were treated as dirt, were made beautiful and clean again. My heart, unfaithful to the God I cling to, was shattered. I was found, rescued, and restored. I was cleaned and made beautiful. Most importantly, I was assured that even in my darkest hour, I have Someone who will always love me beyond measure. Even when someone makes me feel unlovable. Even when I mess up. Even when I have no reason to be loved.
I always will remember that I'm loved, not to cry, to think of my dear ones, and smile. Be filled with peace and joy that does not come from people's abilities, but from my Savior's.
मैं आप के लिए वफादार हो और आप मेरा, और आप अंत में मुझे यहोवा के रूप में पता चल जाएगा.
होशे 2:20
होशे 2:20
I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the LORD.
Hosea 2:20
Hosea 2:20
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Valentine's Day has come and gone. I hung out with my good friends from the BSM, and we went to see The Vow, which was really good. I think that had more to do with Channing Tatum than the actual movie, though. We went out to eat afterwards. It was a really fun time, and it was a great way not to focus on being single on a day dedicated to relationships.
This past weekend, I worked a DNow weekend for a youth group here in Austin- Cedar Park, actually. I helped lead a group of ninth grade girls, and I was reminded of how grateful I am that I got out of high school in one (mostly) piece. The girls were so beautiful and sweet. We had a great time joking around and throwing water balloons and pouring water on boys. They were all so unique but so special and wonderful. It breaks my heart to think that many of them felt too overwhelmed to seek out time with their Creator. But then it hit me- I do that all the time. There is nothing more God wants than for me to stop running around like a chicken with my head chopped off and just rest. I will never have peace or rest outside of Him, but I fill my life with clutter and then complain about how hard everything is. I know God must be shaking His head at me, like a dad to his three-year-old. Every time I think I have everything figured out, God reminds me of how little control I have. It's not something I need to worry about, though. God is almighty and sovereign, so I just have to trust in Him and follow His will.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.- Matthew 11:28-30
This past weekend, I worked a DNow weekend for a youth group here in Austin- Cedar Park, actually. I helped lead a group of ninth grade girls, and I was reminded of how grateful I am that I got out of high school in one (mostly) piece. The girls were so beautiful and sweet. We had a great time joking around and throwing water balloons and pouring water on boys. They were all so unique but so special and wonderful. It breaks my heart to think that many of them felt too overwhelmed to seek out time with their Creator. But then it hit me- I do that all the time. There is nothing more God wants than for me to stop running around like a chicken with my head chopped off and just rest. I will never have peace or rest outside of Him, but I fill my life with clutter and then complain about how hard everything is. I know God must be shaking His head at me, like a dad to his three-year-old. Every time I think I have everything figured out, God reminds me of how little control I have. It's not something I need to worry about, though. God is almighty and sovereign, so I just have to trust in Him and follow His will.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.- Matthew 11:28-30
Saturday, February 11, 2012
As someone who was very enthusiastic upon graduating high school and entering college, I have to say that it's been great being back in my house with my parents. I'm a major daddy's girl, so getting to be with my dad makes me a very happy person. We goof around and tease each other and I know that if I were to need anything ever, I can go to my daddy. He'll give me advice that I may (but probably won't) take. He listens to me rant and comes running at the utterance of the word "bug". He takes me out to eat, to movies, and to ice cream when I ask. For the first eighteen or nineteen years of my life, we would spend massive amounts of time together, getting comments about how much we look alike (if only I had a mustache...). Even though he gives me a hard time when he tries to wake me up or
get me to clean or take up my shoes, I know he will always love me and
that I can always trust him.
I know that this is the easiest comparison ever, but it's still crazy to me to think that God wants to have that type of relationship with me. He wants the easiness and closeness that comes having spent nineteen plus years with each other. If that's such an easy concept with my dad, who's human, why do I have such a hard time accepting that from my heavenly Daddy, who is perfect? He created the universe and everything in it, and He still chooses to care about me. He's the one I should be running to, but I spend the vast majority of my time running from Him. His patience with me constantly blows my mind.
"Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know Him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn, or the coming of rains in the early spring." Hosea 6:3
I know that this is the easiest comparison ever, but it's still crazy to me to think that God wants to have that type of relationship with me. He wants the easiness and closeness that comes having spent nineteen plus years with each other. If that's such an easy concept with my dad, who's human, why do I have such a hard time accepting that from my heavenly Daddy, who is perfect? He created the universe and everything in it, and He still chooses to care about me. He's the one I should be running to, but I spend the vast majority of my time running from Him. His patience with me constantly blows my mind.
"Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know Him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn, or the coming of rains in the early spring." Hosea 6:3
Since I have recently fallen in love with writing in a journal, I'm starting a not so private blog.
I'm planning on going on Beach Reach with the Longhorn Baptist Student Ministry. This involves going to South Padre Island, making pancakes, cleaning up beaches, sharing Jesus, and loving people. I'm not an eloquent person. I love Jesus with my whole heart (well, I'm working on it), but He did not give me the ability to describe half of what He's done for me adequately, but I'm going to practice on you. In all honesty, I suck. I'm selfish, fickle, a liar, a cheater, hateful, spoiled, judgmental, and so dumb. The only cool thing I have going for me is that I do have a Savior who loves me despite of my egocentric ways. He constantly seeks my attention, even when I have no interest. He sings truth over me, loves me regardless of my infidelity, shows me grace when I refuse to care for others.
My Savior died so I could live, and I repeatedly run away from His love and grace. It scares me that He wants to get that close, and it scares me that the lies I've believed for so long could actually be just that- lies. But at the end of each day, He breaks through my defenses. He gathers me, brokenhearted and tired, and loves me. That's why I have to love others. Not because I want to or am even able to, but because the love I've been shown isn't meant to be kept to myself.
"So now, come back to your God. Act with love and justice, and always depend on Him." Hosea 12:6
I'm planning on going on Beach Reach with the Longhorn Baptist Student Ministry. This involves going to South Padre Island, making pancakes, cleaning up beaches, sharing Jesus, and loving people. I'm not an eloquent person. I love Jesus with my whole heart (well, I'm working on it), but He did not give me the ability to describe half of what He's done for me adequately, but I'm going to practice on you. In all honesty, I suck. I'm selfish, fickle, a liar, a cheater, hateful, spoiled, judgmental, and so dumb. The only cool thing I have going for me is that I do have a Savior who loves me despite of my egocentric ways. He constantly seeks my attention, even when I have no interest. He sings truth over me, loves me regardless of my infidelity, shows me grace when I refuse to care for others.
My Savior died so I could live, and I repeatedly run away from His love and grace. It scares me that He wants to get that close, and it scares me that the lies I've believed for so long could actually be just that- lies. But at the end of each day, He breaks through my defenses. He gathers me, brokenhearted and tired, and loves me. That's why I have to love others. Not because I want to or am even able to, but because the love I've been shown isn't meant to be kept to myself.
"So now, come back to your God. Act with love and justice, and always depend on Him." Hosea 12:6
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